im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
