how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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