considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
