remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
