I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize