My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize