Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Randomize
