Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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