You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize