she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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