i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Drake has all the answers
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Randomize
