i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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