He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
