seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
