Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
