Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
