I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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