I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
