I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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