I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
zippers are such a cool invention
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
