sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I am one with the molecules
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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