also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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