Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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