You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
