im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize