Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
