Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
