i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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