I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
