and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
