I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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