You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
