went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
