and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
