I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
