u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
