I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
