so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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