God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
