If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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