sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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