She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
