Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
