Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
operation have a gay friend backfired
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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