I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
