you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
