I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
