i need an iv and a liver transplant
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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