i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
