I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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