went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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