Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
