The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Is it penis luge time yet?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
