Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
But theres a keg here and me gusta
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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