He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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