cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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