I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
